How Childhood Caregiving Affects the Way We Engage in Relationships
Lydia Kraszewski, LPC.
Have you ever felt like you were verging on panic when a partner didn’t text you back? Or what about feeling suffocated or burdened in your relationship? Do you tend to want to over-explain, or maybe you push back when you sense conflict? Have you ever felt “too much”? Do you fear rejection? Abandonment? How about fearing closeness? Maybe, it sometimes feels like you and your partner speak two totally different languages.
Although attachment styles do not give the full picture of the way we behave in relationships, there’s a good chance they fit into the overall equation. If you are new to identifying and better understanding the ways you attach (or detach) in a relationship, this one’s for you.
“My Childhood was Completely Normal”
This is the phrase I hear most often when asking a client about their upbringing. From my experience, it seems like a lot of us perceive our childhoods as “normal” because, well, it was all we knew. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “normal” as the following: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern; characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine. It even gives the example “He had a normal childhood” as common usage of the word. It seems to me that in the world of therapy, clinicians (including myself) tend to view normalcy through the lens of helpful versus harmful.
Let’s use the example of someone’s parents getting a divorce when they were young. Now, this is something that could easily be seen as normal, and on top of that, two individuals may have divorced parents but respond completely differently to that life event. Divorce is not completely abnormal, so it may be easier to dismiss as something that impacted your life. But if we swap out the word normal and reframe by asking ourselves if it was helpful or harmful to us in some way, that’s when we can start identifying the subtle nature of “normal”. We can begin to really investigate the ways our childhood caregiving potentially plays a role in how we perceive, interact with, and navigate relationships today.
Attachment Basics
Attachment styles include Anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), disorganized (fearful-avoidant) and the unicorn of them all, secure. Attachment Theory was initially founded by John Bowbly and later expanded on by Mary Ainsworth. The theory was based in the idea that during the first six months of childhood, a bond will be formed between a mother and an infant. Whether the interactions are positive or negative, attachments form which will later shape the way the infant interacts with the world around them and the people in their life. Based on caregiving styles, Bowlby hypothesized that individuals develop “internal working models” which means the way a child is shown love can shape internal dialogues and behavior patterns later in life. The ideal attachment demonstrated through caregiving would be a secure attachment, which means an infant will grow up to likely have a healthy expression of their emotions, effective communication skills, the ability to self-regulate and the power of stress tolerance along with mental strength.
Although the importance of a secure attachment in the first six months to a year of childhood is the base of this theory, there are also developmental stages and early life experiences a child goes through which can contribute to interpersonal dynamics as well. In the first two years of life, a child is given their attachment foundation. The goal here is for an infant to trust their caregiver and begin to recognize safety in relationships. In early childhood, two to six years, a child begins to perceive the way their caregivers respond to stress, conflict and disobedience. During this stage, a child’s caregivers may emphasize the early attachment bond formed during infancy. From the ages of six to twelve, a child is likely being exposed to friendships & other forms of relationships–– such as with peers, teachers, neighbors, etc. It is theorized that during this stage, attachment styles may be even further shaped around narratives of self, which have been created through a child’s interaction within their relationships. It is also possible that any inconsistencies in caregiving (such as adverse childhood experiences (ACES)) can re-establish one’s attachment style. From the ages of twelve to eighteen, relationships may change, and experiences involving trust, abandonment, disappointment, and insecurity (short list) can further alter our way of attaching.
Well, Which One am I?
Let’s find out!
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Has there ever been a time you felt a sense of rejection in a relationship? What happened after this? If you have an anxious attachment style, chances are you pursued more closeness with this person and struggled with an internal dialogue involving themes of not feeling good enough. Individuals with an anxious attachment tend to seek reassurance from their partner in an attempt to gain validation and avoid abandonment. Overanalyzing, feeling insecure when there is distance in a relationship, and internalizing blame when conflict arises are all tell-tale signs there may some underlying anxiety when functioning within a relationship. Based on what we learned above, this could stem from an inconsistency in early caregiving. Anxiety can form due to discrepancies in caretaking patterns. This may look like a caregiver being loving one day and distant the next, feeling like you were “walking on eggshells” around your caregivers, or having a caregiver who is physically present but emotionally distant.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Honestly, I feel like avoidants are pretty misunderstood. Independence is key for people with an avoidant attachment style, and this can appear as being harsh, cold, or emotionally detached. The problem is that people with this attachment style tend to not trust closeness and have a tendency to push their partner away when they sense emotional intimacy. Avoidant traits can come from a place of feeling neglected or burdensome as a child. For example, when a caregiver makes a child feel like their needs are unimportant or too much, the child can learn that expressing their emotions is unsafe and if they do attempt to do so, their feelings will be minimized or dismissed. Children who learned at a young age that expressing themselves leads to rejection will likely find safety in being alone because this protects them from getting hurt.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Have you ever been with anyone who gives mixed signals? One day they are all about you, and the next day you have no idea where they stand? Those who engage in relationships through a disorganized lens may have had childhoods where caregiving was not only inconsistent, but chaotic. Look at it like this: “The person I lean on for support is the same person I am scared of.” Disorganized attachments learned that caregiving is something to be feared, and as a result, this creates a contradiction surrounding love. Disorganized beliefs correlate to inward confusion on what a “healthy” relationship looks like, extreme self-doubt, difficulties understanding what a “boundary” is (i.e. pushing your partner away is a boundary), trouble with emotional regulation and the idea that closeness is dangerous. If you’re in a relationship that feels confusing and incorporates a lot of mixed signals/highs & lows, there is a chance you are dating someone with a disorganized attachment style.
Secure Attachment
I’ve had clients ask me, “Am I just doomed to always repeat the same patterns?” These clients are referring to their attraction to someone with an opposing attachment style, such as someone with an anxious attachment being in a relationship with someone who displays disorganization. The goal of attachment theory when working in a clinical setting is not to tell a client who they should and should not date, and no one is “doomed”. The objective of working within the realm of attachments is to help clients better identify their patterns, strengthen their skills within a relationship, promote self-compassion, heal old attachment wounds, and work towards a more secure attachment. Secure attachments are demonstrated through an ability to emotionally regulate, feeling safe in being vulnerable, comfort with closeness and emotional intimacy, and being able to trust a partner. Secure individuals can offer clear communication and can effectively handle conflict and stress within their relationship.
Quick Case Study
Let’s look at the following scenario as a way of better identifying attachments and maybe learn something about ourselves, as well.
Lily and Trevor started dating about three months ago. They met at a friend’s wedding and hit it off immediately. In the beginning of the relationship, both Lily and Trevor felt a deep connection and described “sparks” in the way they made each other feel. The relationship took off quickly. They were spending a lot of time together, speaking throughout the day and growing an intense emotional bond. Having this closeness made Lily feel validated, and the more she felt it, the more she became attached to Trevor. Trevor felt the chemistry with Lily and enjoyed feeling close to her initially. About two weeks ago, Trevor stopped responding to Lily’s texts throughout the day and avoided making plans with her–– he was beginning to feel overwhelmed by their relationship. Lily sensed the distance and began to reach out to him more, ask for further reassurance, and started to overanalyze every interaction they had. After a few days, Trevor stopped responding to Lily completely. Lily felt extremely abandoned, and her attempts to engage with him accelerated. Trevor continued to detach from Lily and after a few days of this, she stopped reaching out to him. Trevor and Lily have not spoke since, which has left her feeling like she is not good enough and has left him feeling confused but also emotionally safe.
Can you guess what each of their attachment styles are? Bonus points if you can identify potential patterns based in childhood caregiving.
What the Heck Happened?
The above example is broadly speaking towards the dynamic between the anxious and the disorganized (fearful-avoidant). It’s ironic because this is the combination I see the most when working with couples; the irony comes from the fact these two people are like oil and water, but yet seem to be attracted to each other the most. As I mentioned earlier, these two individuals speak completely different languages. On top of that, their subjective languages effectively trigger the other’s core attachment wounds. People with an anxious attachment value emotional intimacy, close connections, affirmation and consistency, while people with a disorganized attachment style value their autonomy and deeply want closeness but are also terrified of it. Deep down, the disorganized person craves intimacy, validation, safety, support & connection in a relationship–– which is what initially attracts them to the anxious individual. When the anxious provides the disorganized with what they need, the disorganized begins feeling mistrusting, fearful & unsafe. This then triggers the anxious person’s fear of abandonment & validates their core belief of not being good enough, which then leads to a likely game of cat and mouse.
Working Towards Secure Attachment
Fear not! There is a strong possibility a person can mitigate their own attachment style and work towards a place of security within relationships. As a clinician, I am biased towards the effectiveness of people beginning this kind of work in a therapeutic setting. In order to start processing your attachment style and understand the roots of where and how it was formed, going to therapy is a great place to start. Start with finding a provider who creates a safe environment; this therapeutic relationship can begin to foster security and trust with another person. Your therapist should be able to demonstrate consistency and empathy, modeling what it feels like to express oneself without fear of rejection or abandonment. Through a psychodynamic lens, your therapist can begin to help you identify what kind of caregiving you were given and slowly connect the dots to how it shows up in your relational patterns today. You can begin to learn how your attachment patterns are subconscious ways of protecting you and better understand how these defense mechanisms affect relationship dynamics. Identifying emotional triggers can lend a hand to becoming less impulsive, being able to tolerate distress, recognize and challenge negative core beliefs, and begin to implement secure behaviors which challenge the anxious, avoidant, or disorganized gut reactions we may have.
All in All……
There is nothing wrong with struggling with whatever attachment style you most identify with. When utilizing Attachment Theory with clients, the focus is not on changing them, but helping them become more informed. If a client is successful in understanding early caregiving, learning to offer themselves empathy and compassion, challenging dysfunctional core beliefs and beginning to insert small steps towards healthy expression of their needs, they will inevitably become more secure. For anyone who feels they are “doomed” to engage in the same cycles over and over, rest assured there is a formula for successful engagement in newer, healthier behavior.
References:
Flaherty, S. C., & Sadler, L. S. (2010). A review of attachment Theory in the context of adolescent Parenting. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 25(2), 114–121. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pedhc.2010.02.005