Am I a People Pleaser?

July 21, 2025

What it Means to be a People Pleaser & Tips for Learning to Say “No”

Lydi Kraszewski, LPC

Does this Apply to Me?

I just watched a TikTok of Mel Robbins (“let them” theory) talking about people-pleasing. Normally, I wouldn’t use TikTok as a source for a blog, but I am going to make an exception for today. The way Mel puts it, is that people-pleasing is less about others and more about an individual’s capacity to sit with discomfort. She goes on to say that people-pleasing, at its core, is about struggling to tolerate difficult emotions that can likely come from setting a boundary. Putting other people’s needs ahead of one’s own is a glaring indication of people-pleasing and stems from not only the fear of letting other people down, but fear of painful emotions surfacing as a result. If you’re thinking, “Yeah, sounds familiar”, the good news is that you’re not alone, and there are many ways you can begin to rewire your people-pleasing tendencies. So, let’s keep calm, carry on & as Mel would say, let them.

Why is it so Hard to say “No”?

People-pleasing, also referred to as sociotropy, is not as simple as just “being nice.” Although empathy, compassion, and the desire to help are all really admirable traits, they can sometimes come at a cost, i.e., burnout, compassion fatigue, anxiety, and resentment. Fun fact: there are roots of people-pleasing that can come from a person’s subjective environment, conditioning in childhood, trauma, cultural experiences, difficulties with a negative concept of self, and perfectionism. People-pleasing coincides with the desire of wanting to be accepted –– a very human experience. We all have coping skills, and people-pleasing is a coping skill we have developed as an adverse response to conflict, abandonment, or feeling like a burden. Let’s dive a little deeper into this, shall we?

What Might People-Pleasing Look Like?

Excuse me while I have a moment of self-reflection. A few months back, I was working a side job outside of my clinical work. The place I was working hosted events, and they needed all staff on deck for an upcoming party. The party was the same Saturday I was supposed to move into my new place, and when I inquired about being off for this event, I was given a very vague answer. Despite knowing my move would be grueling and there was no way I could do both, rather than officially requesting off, I had my landlord change my move-in date–– which would set me back an entire week. I immediately texted my boss and told him, “I’ll be there!” In this case, I set aside my own timeline and needs so that I wouldn’t let my boss down. Now let’s use this personal example to dissect what exactly was going on here and why it felt impossible to ask for that day off from work.

Fear of getting in trouble at my job
Potential of getting fired
Anxiety over someone being upset with me
It provided me emotional safety
My self-concept is tied to being accountable
The unknown of what might happen if I were to say “No”
It opened the door for validation–– “You’re SUCH a good employee!”

If you’re reading this and wonder why I went as a far as to hypothesize that I would get fired if I put the move in front of one shift, it’s because of distorted thinking (catastrophizing), the idea of being liked in connection with saying “Yes”, wanting to avoid disapproval, feeling guilt over setting a boundary, and ensuring a predictable outcome (some might say seeking control.)

Let me make something clear: people-pleasing is not quote-on-quote “bad” but a human response to fear of conflict, judgment, disapproval, consequences, anxiety, being dismissed or disregarded, being a burden, being selfish, and sitting with self-criticism or even shame.

Common Denominators

The following are some life experiences an individual may have encountered that set the foundation for people-pleasing.

Childhood conditioning and reinforcement: Individuals may have been in family units or environments growing up that rewarded “good” behavior. This is subtle conditioning, which can translate to, “I am accepted when I do the right thing.” It can also be the inverse situation, where a child learns they will be punished if they do not do as they are instructed.
Parentification: This is when a child is put into the role of taking care of their caregivers at a young age. Children are more susceptible to parentification when they grow up in a chaotic or emotionally reactive environment, where they had to learn to be the one keeping everything in order while being emotionally available for their family members.
Low self-worth: This is not to say that all people-pleasers have low self-esteem, but rather that making others happy is a way to feel valuable. And let’s be real, who doesn’t like a little validation? The problem here is that when someone has learned to connect their sense of self to the approval of others, when they do not meet a given expectation, it can emphasize negative internal beliefs. Example: “I can’t do anything right.”
Adverse childhood experiences resulting in abandonment: Experiencing emotional or physical neglect, having inconsistent caregiving, being met with shame when expressing a need, and the feeling of “walking on eggshells” are all intertwined with developing a fear of abandonment. This can create Fawning, which is a trauma response displayed by over-accommodating and self-sacrificing.

Strategies for Challenging People-Pleasing

Think of working on people-pleasing like cooking lasagna. You have to prep the ingredients, cook the meat, make the sauce, boil the noodles, add multiple sheets of cheese, and layer all the ingredients. On top of this, you have to wait for the lasagna to cook and then wait for it to cool down. Why the lasagna analogy? Because it’s very comparable to the process of changing people-pleasing behaviors. Both of these things are processes, and both come with the potential of having to start over and try again.

Here’s What You Can Do:

Create an awareness and begin to identify when you are noticing people-pleasing. This can sound like, “Why am I feeling this way?” or “Am I scared of something happening if I say no?”
Start practicing saying “no”. Remember that saying “no” is a learned skill, and skills take time and practice to develop. Find small opportunities to say “no” and take baby steps.
Begin to challenge your thoughts. If you think, “I don’t want to upset them”, reframe to something like, “It is impossible to be present for everyone all the time.”
Implement self-compassion. Setting boundaries might feel extremely uncomfortable if this is not something you’re used to doing. Remind yourself that knowing your limitations is an asset, not a weakness.
Take the “I’m sorry” out of saying “no.” Practice asserting stronger boundaries without apologizing for having them.
Learn to tolerate the feelings that can arise when saying “no.” Remind yourself it is okay to feel sad, anxious, and guilty. Identifying and validating feelings is different than attaching to them. Identifying = healthy observation, attaching = creating a narrative/truth around these emotions.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries and actively working against people-pleasing is an act of self-love. It’s something we can do to respect our own limitations, mitigate resentment, be better partners, friends & coworkers, and challenge fear-based thinking patterns. There is common feedback I get from clients regarding this subject, with most attesting their difficulties to certain narratives that directly link their self-concept to having to make others happy. Kindness is not overworking ourselves to the bone or holding onto grudges. Rupi Kaur said it best: “Kindness is choosing love over and over again.” Just be sure to not mistake burnout as kindness, and keep in mind that kindness involves offering it to yourself.

References

Georgescu, R. I., & Bodislav, D. A. (2025). The Workplace Dynamic of People-Pleasing: Understanding Its Effects on Productivity and Well-Being. Encyclopedia, 5(3), 95. https://doi.org/10.3390/encyclopedia5030095

Kaur, R. (2018). Milk and honey.